how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Beach Bunny and her Dragon ~ 2009 ~ Part Six

she'd find her way to her Heaven. Beach Bunny Heaven where she'd always be warm, she'd finally have enough to eat, and best of all....
she'd be reunited with her Dragon......
and it would be like they'd never been apart.


Widow in the Middle said...

A blessed happy ending - thank you for making it one! There is so much heartache and grief in these stories and it is a relief to reach the end of one with a smile instead of tears.

I hope you do not mind that I commented after each part. It didn't seem right to me to just comment at the end. This is such a work of art and it needs to be treated as such. I think you gave all of us a Christmas gift with your words and photos. And this is a dear gift to your Dragon too.

If you would be willing and it is not too painful, I would be interested in how you felt composing this story in six parts. Did the idea just come to you or had you planned on doing it?

I so dearly wish this was not your story to tell. I am sorry it is a true story and not one of fiction. You have a way of relating meaning to others through the art of your words and photos. This is one of those stories the readers will never forget. And it is one that will provide inspiration, healing and hope.

womanNshadows said...

i planned the whole thing. i know the maximum MB allowed for photos so i went through a bunch of photos i'm burning off my computer and saved them to a folder marked Christmas Story. i saved them alphabetically and the story, well, i know it well. i matched my thoughts to the photos i chose. i cut it up to flow and break exactly where i wanted within the limitations of the photo allowance.

i've been having a very hard time lately with some ruthless cheer from a few of the widow's in the group i'm abandoning. i emailed Boo and ran it by my daughter as well. both were horrified at the oddness of their forays past my grief. their comments to me hurt far worse than being utterly alone in this time of deep mourning. i'm dropping out of the human race until San Diego in August ~ Camp Widow.

i budget to the penny, literally. you know what that's like. i can't find anyone to talk to and retail therapy is out for me. so i go into myself to find grief counseling. i go to find my Dragon because that's where he is now, the part he left me with. so i take my loneliness and pain and i create homages to him. he deserves it and it comforts me. i do not put him on a pedestal because i know all his flaws. but, for a man, he really didn't have that many. he is the love of my life.

thank you for commenting after each posting. i wondered if anyone would. i spent most of last evening and night on these 6 posts. it's my Christmas story to him, my statement. i'm hurting a lot and very lonely. i miss him and i just wish .......

thank you for all your kind comments.

Boo said...

hello my lovely friend. I agree that this Christmas Story deserves to be commented on, part by part, but time precludes me from doing so ... because I have just read the whole thing and am about to drive to the coast before the roads get too icey. I'm glad you got my email back and also glad that you realize that it is NOT YOU at fault AT ALL. I am at work tomorrow morning, and will phone you tomorrow evening. I love you. Your Dragon loves you more. xxxx

Dan, in real time. said...

Your photo enhanced story was like poetry. It is so beautiful that I feel like I just returned from a magical journey. You know, you are really gifted. I admire how creative you are. You are unique.

Keep writing, keep creating. It will keep breathing new life into you. Until you find more compassionate people to nurture you, let your creative process be that source.

Of course, let us be that source as well.


Widow in the Middle said...

Having been a counselor and in grief counseling, I have found that blogging has in some cases been a better alternative. I hope you can get some of the crappy things you've had to deal with from your widow's group off your chest here. I hope we can all band together to provide support, comfort and insight in a makeshift fashion that resembles therapy in some good ways.

You have given so much to us with your art and the poetry of your words, not to mention your common sense and compassion. I am truly glad that your story provided you with some solace and healing.

judemiller1 said...

Your photos are so beautiful and along with your words, made a lovely story. We really need to get you published, my Dear!!!
Will be thinking of you the rest of this week--I know that hard months are ahead and we will be here to help as much as we can.

Split-Second Single Father said...

I've been actively avoiding grief of late and have just now caught up on your recent posts. I am particularly glad that Dan gave you the go ahead to write the post that bears his name. It was both necessary, and I hope, freeing.

I have also enjoyed the story and, like the others, rather liked the hopeful ending.

Take care of yourself in the coming weeks and months and try to guard yourself against people who don't know any better. You will certainly be on a lot of our hearts even moreso than usual.

womanNshadows said...

thank you all. and Jude, if you know any literary agents who are just waiting with trembling fingers over rejection slips, let me know.

Ter said...

was googling for christmas poems for the bereaved and came across yours. I, too, have lost my husband. :( *sigh*

Boo said...

Forgive me, am not strong enough for phone calls this evening ... am allowing myself shut-down time so I can shed those sacred tears and just think of him. I'm sure you are doing the exact same thing. But I do promise to call you over the next few days, if you are with your daughter and out, I will persevere until I get through. I hope you are ok, relatively speaking. I am (relatively speaking)! Have dinner with friends on the coast tomorrow, and at home the following day, so will call then if you are in? Love to you. A peaceful Christmas tomorrow for you, filled with loving thoughts of your Dragon, strength and love. Boo xxxx

womanNshadows said...

Boo, it's okay. i don't think i could say a word either. too heavy a heart.

love and peace to you.

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