how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, December 14, 2009

far to go


i am a Thursday's Child. that line in the rhyme has been my truth. if i were to give a brief history, which i am not, you would see that my life has been lived on the edge of a constant storm. unlike Marlene Dietrich, i do not know anyone that i may call at 4 am. my children are grown so i do not have to get up for them. they are my only family.

i have yet to type anything that has any real strength. i've read uplifting things from others. but my hope, being fragile, is something i keep high on the shelf and protect. it is something i polish only with my gaze. but it is there and it is mine. i will try to write with more hope from now on though.

3 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

You write with whatever emotion you're feeling at the time! There are no expectations here and we want to read what you're really thinking and feeling! We're all on our own timelines and as you may have read in my comment on my last post, hope can be fleeting, at least in my world these days. But it is powerful when we are able to hold it for a while and I hope you are able to take it off your shelf and polish it with your loving hands every now and then.

I can sense hope in your writing these days. At least we're saying the word now. It wasn't that long ago that I didn't believe I'd ever feel hope again. You are making progress on this journey and I am so honoured to be on this path with you.

By the way, you can call me at 4 am anytime! I'll sound a little groggy at first, but I'll be there to listen.

I love the new pictures! I can see you and your Dragon in what would have been your beautiful house on the Neck, snuggled up by a fireplace and drinking something warm while you looked out at the winter waves. Austin and I would have loved to have been your next door neighbours. Ok, tears are coming, must move away from that idea.

Sending you hugs and prayers, as always.
Love Debbie

Widow in the Middle said...

I agree with Debbie that we should be and feel however we are at the moment. It is hard for even those leading ordinary lives to always be up and hopeful. We have all been thrown huge curve balls. We are scrambling to make sense of our circumstances and to figure out how to keep moving ahead in life on our own. To simply remain on this path and keep trudging along may not always look or feel hopeful to us. But maybe hope comes after courage, strength and resilience. How can we wake up after our losses and just feel hopeful? Hope has to be restored. Some of that has to come with time.

You are strong, have courage and demonstrated great resilience.

Widow in the Middle said...

I want to add that I think we can all help each other feel more hopeful as we share our stories and support one another. This whole blog network has demonstrated hope to me and you have been an integral part of that.

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