how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, December 21, 2009

a Song for my Dragon

"Answer" by Sarah MacLachlan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind.

i love you. i will never stop loving you. i carry you in my heart, on my lips, in my soul, and on my mind. i wish i could go where "here there by dragons."



5 comments:

Dan, in real time. said...

What a gorgeous song and sentiment. The words so perfectly capture not only what we are all going through, but what we need to hear. I'm sure this song gets played often in your home.

I also love the new pictures you posted of your Dragon. Keep loving, and keep taking in his love.

Remember that each morning does come, and there is a gentleness about it. I know the darkness of the night can be very difficult to get through, but each morning can be a reminder that we indeed got through another day.

twinmom said...

I love Sarah. She writes/sings with such eloquence. Just wanted to drop in - I've been very ill, not even up to checking on my cyber friends. Better now, and wanting to tell you that you are wished a quiet, peaceful holiday. I'm sorry you won't get time with your son, but am glad your daughter and son-in-law will be there for supper. I look forward to seeing your oil painting of the dream house.

Boo said...

I love the way you change the photo on your home page each day!

That is a lovely song - entirely appropriate lyrics ... if only you could go there, and I with you.

One day, over a rainbow xxx

womanNshadows said...

Dan, thank you. sometimes the dark invades the day but that's when i look at his face, one in particular, where he is smiling at me and there is so much love in his eyes. it's my talisman.

twinmom, i hope you get better very soon. my son plans an ichat with me Christmas morning and i have my sewing and my dogs. my daughter won't be long in coming to get me on Christmas. she is a very determined young woman.

Bpo, yes, for the both of us. one day we'll be with them again. and you and i will meet (again) then, too. we will have to do a "double date" "somewhere over the rainbow."

womanNshadows said...

lol. sorry, Boo. my fingers went crazy for a second.

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