how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

blowing like stink and the Dragon's laugh

i hope my uploaded video works for all of you.

on the day i made this short video there was a storm out at sea that forced these waves past the Dog Bar and into Gloucester where we were walking that day. the water temperature was 38 degrees. right off i am far too close to the edge of the seawall, and i get nailed. the laughter you hear is my Dragon.

{i love his laugh. it was always given with his whole heart and soul. as a warrior for his country, he did a lot of things that brought darkness to his soul. there were times he did not know if he would survive what he was asked to do. so when he got to laugh, he did it big. he felt it all the way through his body. i love that about him. he allowed me to laugh like that. i was safe to be myself with him. when i am too lonely for him, i watch this video and listen to that laugh. and if you listen closely, you can hear him finish my sentence. we did that with each other. we lived in each other's hearts but also in each other's minds. we have a "true marriage" as Shakespeare would put it.}

i checked the weather this morning up in Cape Ann. it's blowing like stink and it's 20 degrees. the wind is clocked at 54 miles per hour. i miss that rawness of nature. we would be out there today. walking. hot chocolate in a thermos. gloves. hats. Yaktrax on our thickest mountain boots. heavy coast with layers underneath. our eyes would be stinging from the cold.

then we'd go back inside and get warm. if you listen to his laugh again, you know how we got warm.

being outside with my Dragon is one of the things i miss greatly. getting warm is what i miss most of all.

"hello, Dragon. it's gusting outside on Cape Ann and i miss you something terrible. are you up there today? have you spread your huge dragon's wings to ride the wild, cold wind? come home to me tonight. come to me in my dreams and we'll make each other warm. it's so cold without you."


Boo said...

oh thank you for sharing your Dragon's laugh ... I know how precious it is to you ... I miss my C's laughter so much. He too would laugh with his whole being, just as he lived.

Ah, sigh ... this time last year.


Dan, in real time. said...

Such a joy to hear his laughter. You should record it on a loop, and play it over and over again. I'm glad you are listening, and remembering, these simple happy moments. Don't we all miss those "warming" times.

judemiller1 said...

What a wonderful laugh!! and a strong voice. I am so glad you have his voice and laugh so you can listen and listen and..........

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