how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Christmas Eve ~ my poem

i started this poem after my son left on Black Friday. i finished it last night. i was going to wait to post it but i know some of you are going away for Christmas. you will be other places and won't be reading here so i am putting it up now.

today i am feeling a little blue and it seemed like a catharsis to post it. i hope you like it.

twas the night before Christmas
and all through the place
not a creature was stirring,
not one little face.

no stockings were hung
no tree was in sight
just a wreath on the door
and one string of small lights

the children were elsewhere
they had others to see
while the widow inside
had no place to be.

she lay silently inside
in the dark on her bed
with two Scotties beside her
and all her prayers said.

the night lay outside
both cool and real dark
while the widow's dreams
to an island embarked.

the waves would splash high
'round the rocks so very old
and waiting for her
stood her Dragon bold.

scarred hands on his hips
he waited for his wife
to come on the wind
to live their dream life.

she came to him each night
and each morn' she'd leave
but tonight was different,
tonight was Christmas Eve.

that she'd come was a given
that she'd rejoice made him smile
for the strength of their love
gave them this power for a while.

by day she would live
a quiet, solitary life
but night brought her dreams
of not widow, but wife.

in her dreams they were joined,
were together again
and she could pretend like the horror
of his death had never been.

they would meet and embrace
and then they would kiss
then he would hold her while
she talked of the day that he'd missed.

he knew she was sad.
he knew she was weary.
death kept them apart
and she was often quite teary.

but her dreams let her be
with him wild and free
on their island quite safe,
on their own sanctuary.

so here on this night
she closed her eyes tight
to be taken to her Dragon
to spend a calm night.

she missed him so much
while he longed for her
and only through dreams
could their meetings occur.

her mind set the stage
she suddenly appeared
on the island where her husband
had spent almost a year.

and now it was Christmas
in his arms she was held
because no Angel in Heaven
would their time have withheld.

they know it's been hard.
that she feels so weak.
that it "should have been me,"
and "my world is so bleak."

the Angels do cry
each time that she does
but sleep is all they have
to give her what was.

happy in dreams
with her Dragon so bold
and his love for her
fights back the raw cold.

they need each other
in this way that's not real
because even Angels know
they both need it to heal.

the Dragon needs her, too.
he needs his sweet wife
only she loved him so
and took away all his strife.

so especially this night
on this dark Christmas Eve
the Dragon and his wife
should not have to grieve.

for them to sit and look
at the soft Christmas lights
and feel nothing but sorrow
on this holiest of nights?

would be wrong to deny them
so to their island they fly
to be with each other
'till the morning sun's high.

and for a love this strong
the Angels will continue until
she lays her head down
and her own heart stills.

then together they'll be
even when infinity falls away
for not much is stronger
than a widow who prays.

so on this night before Christmas
the widow sleeps deep
and dreams of her Dragon
while she cries in her sleep.


Suddenwidow said...

Beautiful! I also love your Dragon heart embroidery. You are so talented!

On Christmas Eve I will be thinking of you and your Dragon on your island while I dream of Austin and I sailing by your island and waving (maybe we'll drop anchor and come ashore for a drink!). Sigh.....


judemiller1 said...

You got your hankerchief done!! it is is your poem...beautiful and sad, but...mostly beautiful.

twinmom said...

Hauntingly beautiful, as is so much of your writing. So vivid is the picture you paint with your words, so vivid is the emotion expressed in your poetry. And I hope that you do get the gift of time with him in your dreams.

Daniel Cano said...

Your poem paints such a vivid, yet sureal, landscape. I am so moved by your expression of love and yearning.


womanNshadows said...

hello all. i am happy to have one of his handkerchiefs done. one down. 24 to go. the poem has been in my head since this past summer but i didn't know where it would go. i just had notes. then while i was sick, it came out from all the naps from the cold medicine and all the times i tried to force my dreams to take me to the island. you can't force it. sometimes i just sleep. but the times that i remember dreaming of being there with him, well, you know.

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